Babystep Challenge Day #2 Get Dressed to Shoes

Today's babystep is to get dressed to shoes. This was an easy one for me to accomplish. I make a very good attempt to shower, dress, and put my shoes on everyday! In fact it's one of the very first things on my morning routine. On really hot days, I will admit, I do skip the shoes. I probably shouldn't but tennies just don't make sense and my crocs make my feet sweat so bad!

I am a tad grumpy today. I did extremely well this morning. I got up, at get this, 6:30 this morning. I was even up before Andrew and Alex. Nikolas was my alarm clock this morning. I got started on my and the kid's morning routines right away and sailed right thru them. I continued working thru my to-do list and got my bedroom done in no time. After that I went to the library and picked up some book to read on my self-improvement project. The library didn't have as good of a selection on parenting as I thought they would. I did pick up a few books to read. After I got home I decided I was going to read for a bit and most likely end up falling asleep. I did end up taking about a two hour nap. When I woke up I was so irritable and grumpy! That is the reason for this blog post.

I work so hard on this house and it just doesn't show! For example, like I said I cleaned my room this morning. Well it's now just a few hours later and you can hardly tell! Nikolas was in there most of the day. I realize Nikolas just turned three and shouldn't be held accountable since I wasn't watching him closer. It's just frustrating to work so hard and have my efforts only lasting 30 minutes or so. Andrew is even worse about this and at age 6 should have more respect and appreciation and a want to keep things clean for at least a little while. He just doesn't care about these things and/or needs to learn these things. He's like a hurricane or tornado. He can have a room a complete disaster in under a minute! Then there's the issue of appreciation. No one in this house says a damn thing about any of my efforts. Even Erek. I know we're on shakey ground right now but not even a thank you, nothing. It all just seems so self-defeating. Why try when no one seems to give a damn? Or when they only notice the things I DON'T do. How do I keep up? The laundry is piled high, every room needs cleaning/straightening/organizing, there's yard work and gardening to do, my vehicle on the inside is a disaster as well as the garage. I also have NOTHING ready for this baby to come in 4 weeks or less. It's like I'm invisible to this family! How do I become visible to the members of my family?

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now that I can't do anything else but think. I've cried, I've gotten mad and now I'm down about all of it. Why doesn't my husband care? I asked him to talk so I could get my thoughts out and he asked if we could do it after the kids were in bed. I/We got the little kids to bed and the older two were playing so what does he do, he gets on his computer. I feel like dirt, like scum, like I don't matter. I realize that a lof of this I deserve for how I've treated him in the past, but really? If he doesn't care why is he here? I feel like I'm being used for sex and to care for Brandon and Mackenzie. It's like he's only nice to me or will even just talk to me when he wants something. I love him so much but do I deserve to be treated like this? Yeah, I probably do, but this does not create a good model for the kids!